Sioux Falls Leaf Angered by Premature Fall, Impending Death
A leaf from a Sioux Falls maple tree is furious that he will be dead before fall.
Brian Leaf, who is just over one month old, was counting on a full summer flapping in the breeze and helping out with photosynthesis in his neighborhood tree. On Wednesday that all changed when a local youth playing with a baseball bat started swinging it violently into the leaves of his low hanging branch.
"I never stood a chance. That little puke just started wailing away," Leaf said. "Now I will be dead in a matter of days and I have accomplished so little. It's really depressing."
This is the second time in the last week this has happened. John and Willow Stomata were attacked and fell on Monday just feet away from where Leaf landed. The couple is fading fast, already turning a very pale green in just three days.
"I was just hanging out on the branch when that kid went all Miguel Sano on us," John Stomata said. "Willow is curled up face down and can't talk anymore. We were looking forward to this summer since we were buds. Now we are wilting into worm food."
Police and botanists had no idea what I was talking about when I asked if they had any suspects. The bat swinging youth is described as a white male standing 4'10" weighing approximately 87 pounds. He reportedly overuses the phrase "That's so swag" and wears a flat bill hat cocked to the left.
This is satire. It's not real, obviously. But it was fun to write. ~Andy