Check Out Our List of the Best and Worst Jobs Ever
If you’re like this kid, you spring out of bed each morning and greet the day, anticipating a great day at work where you don’t even mind working overtime, because you love what you do. If you’re like most of us though, you dread your job, can’t stand your boss, and spend most of your time at the copy machine wishing you were sitting on it and making copies of your butt to distribute to your terrible coworkers as Valentines. Take comfort: your life could be much, much worse; you could be jerking off animals for a living.
Jobs That Are Definitely Worse Than Yours:
We just don’t know what the hell a person would have to have done in their past life to acquire this position. Sewer inspectors hold their breath while they make sure cracks and sewage drivers are operational, and clearing any…*gulp*…clogs. As horrible and disgusting as it sounds to intentionally dive into human waste, dead (or worse, live) rats, and the occasional corpse, the compensation might leave you with some dignity intact. They earn just a bit under $60 grand a year to swim through excrement with rubber suits that probably dissolve halfway through the process.
I bet you thought you’d end up as an Avon tester with that Biology degree, huh? No, not this time. Those who studied general sciences — even those who went off to become scientists hoping to discover and cure the polar cap situation — may end up in the odor testing field. It’s not always terrible; there are pleasant gigs where you test out new perfumes, or nice smelling toiletries. Most of the time though, you’re sniffing out other people’s funky fumes. A good nose is obviously part of the job, but expect to endure different types of B.O., assorted underarms odors, flatulance, poorly-microwaved dinners, and semen from folks of different cultural backgrounds. You know, for variety. You’ll generally be testing this stuff out in a lab, so at least you won’t be face deep in pit hair, but still.
Road Kill Remover
If this is your calling, there is a good chance you will run into your childhood guinea pig pet, and learn that your mother was a liar, and there was no “farm.” The job is exactly what it sounds like; removing and picking up dead animals (and Lindsay Lohan’s hair) from the side of the road. Though you might not have an emotional attachment to the animal you’re disposing of; this job isn’t exactly for the faint of heart, especially during summertime. Winters are better; the carcasses become highway popsicles, easy for cleanup and removal. The heat is a different ballgame; the summer stench of dead animals can make you heave up last week’s dinner. With enough practice, you’ll eventually be able to ID the type of animal by smell from a mile away. When that happens, we recommend you apply for odor tester as this position only pays $30,000 annually.
Janitor at a Porno theater
This seemed kind of fun to us initially, mainly because we were thinking about the porn part, not the actual cleanup. This is not a regular theater; there’s no popcorn or goobers stuck to the bottoms of seats. Pretzel Bites and Junior Mints are replaced with pubic hair and semen, sometimes dripping from the ceiling. This doesn’t include the pubic lice, crabs and other creepy crawlers that start to live on the inside of the seats. The theater is not the worst place a janitor can be for cleanup, post penile eruptions. The bathrooms are much, much worse.
So this is what you got your Masters degree for? Well, animals need lovin’ too. Generally, those in the research field studying fertility and artificial insemination get to shove their fists up animals rectums or just plain jerk them off the old fashioned way. Sometimes there are probes, sometimes there’s fingering, and sometimes there are weird theme parties. Let’s not talk about those; the first rule of an animal masturbation party is: you never talking about an animal masturbation party. The bigger animals like horses and bulls get treated to fists, while the smaller animals like pigs and whatever else you can stink your pinky into get fingers. The probes are for those who have experience. The manual masturbation? Well, that’s for the interns.
As a grave digger, we wrongly assumed that you have one responsibility and one responsibility only: you must dig that grave deep and big, and try not to get drunk beforehand and bury yourself alive. In actuality, there is much more involved: digging to template specifications to match the size of the coffin or casket, knowing how to use a shovel/pick, and taking direction from the folks at funeral services. Sometimes grave diggers even stick around and console family members out of the goodness of their own heart; like wedding crashers but at a funeral/burial. We recommend sticking to weddings, if possible; seems more fun.
Crime Scene Cleaners
After you find out Uncle Billy shot himself because you showed everyone where he touched you on the doll, it’s usually time to call the crime scene cleaners! This job is way worse at first, due to the initial shock of seeing your first splattered brain, but eventually it gets old. Or you get numb; whichever! You know what’s scarier than brains and blood everywhere? Hoarders. From time to time, these guys get called to a hoarder’s house, because someone was crushed to death by their doily collection, after it collapsed. Sometimes they’re asked to help clean up — and you’d think it might be a chance to pick up some valuable stuff and make a couple extra bucks on eBay, but no; hoarders usually only hoard things like expired yogurt, not antique guns.
Jobs That Are Definitely Better Than Yours:
Island Care Taker
Tears stream down our faces, knowing there’s a job this amazing out there. We initially heard about this opportunity through a friend who was trying to win a competition in 2009, where the grand prize was a job taking care of and exploring the Great Barrier Reef, writing and updating a blog about it and basically having the best time of your life EVER. On top of this pile of awesomeness, you get a salary of a little over $100k for 6 months of “work.” Someone named Ben Southall (above) won this competition. Go Facebook friend him and ask for some money.
Video Game Tester
As fun as it sounds to for ultimate geek, this “career” path can be tedious and intricate — but the payout is great. It’s definitely not like playing video games, as you’re providing quality assurance, so details are essential. Video game testing is an art form of detecting and catching bugs and problems within the game, before it’s release. You must also be able to play a game and use different strategies and pathways over and over again, logging technical notes along the way. Playing games for hours on end like you’re Tom Hanks in BIG seems like a logical and adult career path, as far as we’re concerned.
This job is very real, and most likely not for diabetics. The road to being a chocolate consultant begins in culinary school by crafting your studies to lean towards an emphasis on…chocolate. You’ll often find pastry chefs delving into this niche of sweets, eventually working in the high-end hospitality sector, hosting tastings and even sculpting chocolate on site for “show.” Working with chocolatiers and chocolate makers as your new besties will probably have you traveling the world trying new types of chocolates and sweets to enhance your career and keep your skills as solid as the bars you’ll be popping into your mouth. Just don’t eat so much that your world travels require a seatbelt extender, and you should be pretty happy.
Let’s call this what it really is – professional drinker. The shamed black sheep of the family who start drinking at 9am have finally found a safe haven career path, and called it “winemaking.” This is perfect for us — every part of wine making is an art, even the part where you’re drunkenly picking grapes. Winemakers generally only work a couple of months a year (this is approaching a fake-level of awesome) and delegate workers and helpers to aid in working the grape fields. Then they step on it, stick the juice in a barrel and save it for lunchtime. Just like in ‘I Love Lucy.’ Kidding, they hire grape stompers for that.
This position is more common in other countries, but we wouldn’t put it past our own government to sport these tactics. Just like in Japan, where men and women are hired to interact with and entertain bar and restaurant patrons, China is using fake executives at events, to bulk up the guest list. If you’re selected, you get taken to dinners, ceremonies, speeches, conferences and get paid $1,000-$3,000 dollars weekly, depending on the elite status of the organization. There isn’t a specific look for being a fake executive, either. Pro Tip: Don’t forget most companies have older CEO’s and COO’s, so don’t be afraid to pimp out grandpa for a few dollars.
Calm down, we know what you’re thinking, and you can just stop right there: These are NOT for using as water balloons. Condom testers (an elite and rare job opportunity) don’t even get paid, so you can scratch an annual salary off this list, however, they do have to do IT. Testing the condom durability, noting the position the condom is being used in, and tracking how many thrusts it takes to get to the center of the tootsie pop all matter and need to be recorded as best as possible. We recommend video, for best results.
Classic Car Tester
We love classic cars, with their softened leather seats, old timey radios and gauges — that speak to us. Not in the imaginary way, in the Knight Rider way. Classic Car Club Manhattan was started by Michael Prichinello and Zac Moseley, and although they are co-founders and essentially manifested their dream job come true, you can actually apply to work here, but only after you most likely befriend one of them. This is a membership only club where the elite A-listers and super wealthy pay a $15,000 annual fee to access the coolest cars ever. While they’re just sitting there gathering gold dust, you can take them out for a spin.