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Strip Club Commandments

(Joe Raedle/Getty Images)

When you go to a strip club, there are certain rules you need to follow, both written and unwritten. Twenty years ago, Crash spent a few years DJing and bouncing at the now defunct ‘Shotgun Willie’s’ in Rapid City, SD. There were a few things he learned:

If you break a written rule – like “no fighting” or “no groping the dancers” – a bouncer will throw you out on your rear. Weird fact: I liked working Rally week and checking in weapons which I would put a post it note on with “Hells Angel Snake” or “Bandito Billy”, over the first week of college. Give bikers beer and boobs and they’re a fairly calm crowd, just having fun. Give the same to a 21 year old just back at college? They’re doing the backstroke across the stage and I’m pulling them off of it by their ankles and dropping them on their heads to knock some sense into them.

But if you break an unwritten rule, you’ll look like a tool. Don’t risk it. Make sure you understand – and follow – these strip club commandments:

•Do not kiss her – You have no idea where a stripper’s mouth has been. Assume the worst.
•Do not ask for her number – Trying to pick up a stripper at a strip club is pathetic. Don’t confuse romance with commerce.
•Do not compliment her perfume – It’s not perfume. It’s high-powered antibacterial spray that prevents her from getting cooties.
•Don’t ask for her “real” name – Of course her mom didn’t name her Sapphire or Jinx. It really doesn’t matter, so don’t ask.
•Don’t go alone – There’s not much creepier than guys who go to strip clubs alone.
•Don’t fall in love with a stripper – These women are looking for cash, not soul mates. You’ll never be a boyfriend to her. The best you can hope for is to be considered a “regular.”

So now the next time you go to Scarlett’s, the Kongo, The Cock-A-Too, or any other place, you can have a good time without looking like an idiot. Call it a tip from your Uncle Crash.

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